Nine's random fics
by Saberus9
Summary: These are the thoughts of Saberus9. HEAR ME ROAR! Some are crack, some are sad, some are plain and some just mad. But what ever you read you know what to do, simply click that pretty button and read and review
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own the idea not the concept (Figure that one out)

**Disclaimer: I own the idea not the concept (Figure that one out)**

**Saberus9: Alrighty this is the first of my misc. set of mostly one shot fics of random crap I think up rating may change with time.**

**NarutoXHarry Potter oneshot**

**Naruto Uzumaki and The Big Act of Asskickery ** (Or Why Ninjas kick Wizard ass)

Naruto and Sauske were fighting each other in the Valley Of The End just like they always seem to do when some thing important happens.

Regardless let us skip to the most important part in which Sas**uke** stalks off to be Orochimaru's bitch or whatever. Naruto is just lying there dying because Kakashi is a lame and slow jackass. So as per usual the Kyuubi being a self serving jackass or a benevolent god archetype or naruto's one true love or whatever you think she/he/it is, has to use a time-travel dimension-crossing merge spell to save our hapless hero. And thus onto the story.

Atop the castle know as Hogwarts, a massive flux of energy appeared dropping a red-eyed Demon-Fox-Ninja hybrid with ten tails know as Uzumaki Naruto or in this case Naruto Uzumaki. He was totally healed and felt great. _Well, crap _he thought gaily (happily) _ I must be in another dimension, for sueth tis, and now using my ultra demon powers, I, Uzu….I mean Naruto Uzumaki will instantly learn English. _And so he did.

Looking down below from his perch with his super-senses, he noticed a snake-like man and a black haired boy with green-eyes and a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead duking it out with idiotic looking pointy sticks and sparkly flashes of light.

_I think I have found Orochi-teme and Manda's secret love child,_ mused our whiskered demon hero.

He also noticed some other pointy-stick wielders, trying to kill each other with pointy stick light flashes. There were even some flying around on brooms and wird things fighting. He jumped down to see just what the hell was going on.

The moment he landed a cloaked pointy stick guy looked at him and said "_Crucio._" Naruto doubled over in pain. Naruto did not like this; he did not like this at all. And with that conclusion in mind, he promptly decided that these people should not be allowed to have such a variety of pointy sticks.

He made a familiar hand sign and with a prompt and perfect British accent said "Shadow Clone Technique," to which approximately five million, nine hundred and eighty-two thousand, five hundred and seventy-three **(5,982,573)** bodies of said variety of clone appeared. They ran out on to the battlefield to gut punch and steal the weapons of everyone also inadvertently killing Dementors with said objects. Gathering the bows, swords, clubs, staves and pointy sticks in a pile, he moved his hand towards the pile and spoke again "Wind Release: Rasenshuriken" in his perfect British accent.

_I'm not sure I'm supposed to know how to do that one handed and with such ease,_ He thought as he happily made his way out of the strange castles grounds and the groaning and vomiting yet bewildered wizards and beings watched him leave in total awe, shock, horny-ness (Hermione, Ginny and Raven of the Teen Titans) and fear (Voldemort, Harry and Malfloy).

_Now How do I get home?_

And that, Friends is another story for another time.

**END**

**Saberus9: alright…… short? Crack? Boring? Weird? Read and review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Saberus9: hey I'm kinda writing again. I've gotta chapter for each story unfinished on my comp and I just lost interest for a while so here's a quickie.**

**Harry Potter and The Highly Flammable Foes**

We start, my dear reader, with the prompt return of our hero from his 'Home' at number 4 Privet Drive to the school of his parents. Yes my friends, our Harry was returning to Hogwarts for his fourth year. But this was not where our story truly begins. This story truly began at towards the end of the 2nd year of Harry's story, and believe me reader if Harry had read the book on that year, he would have heeded Dobby's warnings far more readily. It was when he lay in the bed in the infirmary blood flooded with the magic in Fawkes' tears and that Basilisk's Venom that some old and primal Magiks were awakened within him, Magiks of a very certain nature that he would not find out about until his fourth year. And as you know dear reader, any Magik is far more powerful than any mere magic. I mean look at the k on the end, for Pete's sake.

Regardless of the use of k and c, Harry had arrived at the station and was preparing to board the train when a thought struck him. _Why not review the previous years spells_ our hero thought. He knew that in all of his adventures over the past few years many simple school spells came in handy. He promptly forgot when he was interrupted by his friends but was reminded again when a book fell on his head as he tried to put up his trunk in the compartment. After going through a review of his older notes a tiny idea came up in his head. And with a smile on his face, he sat through a sorting, a feast and a whole month of potions sessions much to the annoyance of Snape and Malfoy.

It wasn't until the end of the month that he found a place for his idea to take shape. He had been pacing back and forth on the seventh floor, thinking about his idea and how he needed a place for it when a door appeared that he had never seen before. Plucking up all of his Gryffindor courage, he opened it only to be driven to tears; this place was perfect for his needs. After that things passed rather quickly for Harry, he was training, Ron was being a gimp, Hermione was ranting something about House Elf vomit and Dobby had forced Harry to make both Winky and himself into bound Elves for house Potter. Eventually though things got bad, some kind of contest was set up not that Harry actually cared until his name was called as a contestant.

He met the other champions, a guy named Victor Krum who was pretty cool and rather friendly, this Hufflepuff guy who worked hard and had the most amazing sideburns he had ever seen, and lastly some chick who was rather hot but became a major turn off when she called him a little boy. After this little meeting Ron became a complete douche, pretty much everyone turned on him and Hermione was being stalked by Krum until Harry set him straight. Krum and Hermione were a pretty good couple but they kept it a secret.

So, Dear readers, Harry's plot sprang to fruition as his training continued. He also sued the plot for slander and misquotation as Rita Skeeter quoted him despite not ever interviewing him. The first task grew closer and closer as Harry ignored almost everything but his training. When the day eventually came, neither Hogwarts champion knew what was going on. Harry wished the unpleasant Hufflepuff luck and waited to fight the Horntail. He exited the tent when he was called and calmly walked towards the dragon. It suddenly breathed a large blast of fire seemingly incinerating the boy-who-lived as a startled crowd looked on with mouths agape in horror. When the smoke cleared, they saw him in burnt clothing walking away from the dragon, egg in hand and completely unharmed. Harry got the highest score and the shortest time as the crowd crowed their approval.

Harry took about three days to work out the secrets of the egg. Ron tried to be his friend again but he didn't give a crap. When news of the Yule ball came around, Harry briefly considered asking Cho Chang but then decided that Romilda Vane would be a better choice. The poor girl was practically pining for him. Ron took Luna Lovegood and Nevile took Ginny. It was on the day of the ball when Hermione revealed her relationship with Krum. The Champions danced, Romilda proved to be a fantastic date, Luna had a dance with Harry, Ron and Hermione argued about breadcrumbs or something while Harry, Krum and the Hufflepuff champion had a good yarn about seekermanship in general. Overall Harry had a great time and decided to take Romilda on a date. At first she was fangirlish but after she found out that she wasn't dreaming she became far more bareable.

The second task was rather easy for Harry, he just went underwater and appeared a few minutes later with his arms laden with women. He was very embarrassed by this however as he was only trying to save his girl. Needless to say, Harry won that task too. Harry got a lot of trouble from the other students for that. Strangely enough the Gryffindors closed ranks tighter than any Hufflepuff had ever done. Any attempt to bully Harry was met with unspeakable retaliations.

It was on the third task however that Harry revealed his true skills. After getting to the cup first and in only fifteen minutes, Harry was portkeyed to a graveyard and Voldemort was resurrected. It was when Voldemort challenged him to a duel, that Harry showed him the spell he had been training on for months. Harry grinned as he lifted his wand with a flourish and spoke a single word.

"Incendio"

**END.**


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